Saturday, November 15, 2008
lately, i've been trying to fight whatever's pulling us under
It was a great ride while it lasted.
But I guess everything has an end and right here now is no different. I won't spurt any corny crap (ie. "Oh I've learnt soooo much about myself!") so let's make this end short and sweet shall we?
In retrospect, this was never much of an emotional outlet for me; sure I had my days, but I've come to realise that spontaneous diary-ing is not for me. I am a word perfectionist. Perhaps the worst you can find. There is no piece of writing you will find by me that hasn't been scrutinised a thousand times over. Imagine doing that to something which captures all that raw emotion; raw emotion that is then glossed over and over again, so much that you can't see what was intentionally there, meant to be there, in the first place. You see, I can't continue on like that.
So here's to everyone who can cope with putting their soul on the chopping block and those who checked up on me from time to time. This girl loves you lots.
/L
But I guess everything has an end and right here now is no different. I won't spurt any corny crap (ie. "Oh I've learnt soooo much about myself!") so let's make this end short and sweet shall we?
In retrospect, this was never much of an emotional outlet for me; sure I had my days, but I've come to realise that spontaneous diary-ing is not for me. I am a word perfectionist. Perhaps the worst you can find. There is no piece of writing you will find by me that hasn't been scrutinised a thousand times over. Imagine doing that to something which captures all that raw emotion; raw emotion that is then glossed over and over again, so much that you can't see what was intentionally there, meant to be there, in the first place. You see, I can't continue on like that.
So here's to everyone who can cope with putting their soul on the chopping block and those who checked up on me from time to time. This girl loves you lots.
/L
Labels: goodbye dear friends
11:50 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
cold eyes baby
I am so tired and sick-- sick of where I am, or lackthereof, right now; sick of itchy eyes and runny noses and "do not think"-ing.
I want so many things it's hard to keep up.
I want to start working so I can fund myself.
I want to see new colours of cultures.
I want to be independent, emancipated.
I want to run and laugh like a crazy lady.
I want to know that I can depend on every day not to screw me over.
I want to not care..........
about you, yes you :)
..................................about anything.
I want so many things it's hard to keep up.
I want to start working so I can fund myself.
I want to see new colours of cultures.
I want to be independent, emancipated.
I want to run and laugh like a crazy lady.
I want to know that I can depend on every day not to screw me over.
I want to not care..........
about you, yes you :)
..................................about anything.
I want an oversized sloppy joe to team with shorts.
I need to get away.
Learn to reframe, rethink, relive.
Labels: i dont feel i can breathe
11:08 PM
Friday, October 24, 2008
for every inch we get we need a mile more
I love today. It makes up for every other rotten time I've had to go through this week. A fitting combination of Pink Day and Tiffany/Sam/Connie's smushed together party was great fun and I haven't enjoyed myself this much since camp ended. I won't lie; I regret my last post and pathetically want to delete it a thousand times over. Except I have this nagging feeling that one day I'll want to look back and read that post, because, as bad as it is, yesterday seems like a turning point for me. No matter how small or insignificant it was an absolute low that I reached and I want to remember the callous reality of it all and what pulled me down. This way, I'll learn. Never the hell again. It's true what they say about friends you know. Forgetting all the times I've said it, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO FUCKING MUCH. Learn from me, surround yourself with friends and good times in-the-making. It's also true what Shirley said on the phone last night, "You lose that closeness with some friends but you always make new ones." Thumbs up to the new friends who make me comfortable and happy now. You're all dears 
I'll leave you to it since my posts have been lacking visual oomph lately and this is a little make-up for it. Some extremely belated photos as well as ones from today. Did I already say I love today?
They call it...
The Muffin Top / The Atomic Bomb / The Mushroom / Tryhard Wannabe Hippy (Michael haha)
Sophia, Amy and Khena filming me doing something stupid with my hair LOL
Random photo of Michael and I waiting for the bus
It was late but I wasn't sleepy :/
(Finally) the 30/9 photos! Group photo anyone?
Second try.. an Obama look-alike gatecrashed our shoot o_o
NICE! My smile made my eyes disappear haha :D
Rissa came along too (:
Love this one.
Labels: i dont feel i can breathe, overthinking things
8:39 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
caring is creepy
Nothing good ever comes out of a situation that you yourself know is doomed from the start. Even so, why do we still choose to put ourselves through all that pain and anxiety? Why is it that every time I start to regain some little speck of composure or decent reason something in my head just overrides it and turns said reason into the boorish mush it was in the first place? I am a no-shit-taker. I don't take shit from myself nor will I ever become subservient to anyone else's shit. I live for myself. I weigh everything up and out; analyse every microscopic piece of detail. I know when something is pointless. I know that heartbreak and heartache is inevitable. I know. I fucking know. And yet there's this pore-sized, mite-like, diminutive speck of hope and wanting and God knows what else, that I really, truly want to kill off with a little strategy called the good old mind over matter. The thing is, I can only convince myself for the most part. The rest of the time (like now for instance) I don't know if I can take everything in my head anymore. I am worried and confused and stuck and miserable yet happy and hopeful and determined. I am a person that's stuck in a sinking chest crashing further and faster into the depths of the ocean every minute and I'm trying so hard to find the key to unlock the damn thing yet it feels so easy to just give up and enjoy the ride and what's left of my self-condemned time. It's like I've been breathing in empty air all this time and now there's a bittersweet alternative where there's actually real air but with spikes or something. I am trying so hard to leave everything as it is. To be patient and considerate and optimistic. But it feels like I can't keep it up any longer. I never claimed to be some big time, heroic martyr. But I am trying to be. I really am the little, forgotten coward; the villain's tag-along. The guy every one laughs at and who has no one in the end. I have been trying so hard; I really have. But these days seem like weeks and last term seems like a year ago. Right now I am sick of waiting. Sick of thinking and wishing and denying. Mostly denying. I am in denial. Excessive, compulsive, deep denial that seems to convince everyone but me. Yesterday was so different from today. Yesterday was so much easier than today. Yesterday was more about every one else; more about giving up and turning away and keeping everything under control. Today was for me. Today was so that I could make my own decision and either move on or hold up. To see if I could take all this prolonging and procrastinating any longer.
I'm scared to say that I think I know what I want now.
Labels: i dont feel i can breathe, thoughtful much?
10:48 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
yes i know what i am, and no i don't give a damn
You know those days where you wake up and there's this incredibly hard-to-undo knot in your stomach, and you go through the whole day, thinking will this, or this, or this be the one thing that makes it go away? And through the whole day you're just waiting, not knowing what's going to come but just knowing that when it does you'll feel that much needed relief. Without thinking you tell someone, a completely objective third person who tends to lean more to the negative, and you actually get their 'approval' for something that's been on your mind. Just like that the knot's undone and you now have someone to talk to as well as feeling so much freaking release. But at the same time it means you have to face the music and decide what to do about this thing that's plaguing you. It means you have to take action either to quell or grow this terrible thought. That's how I feel now. All over the place but weirdly centred and glad that, while I'm probably risking everything telling this person, at least I have someone completely unbiased to talk to. I hate that there's always a catch in whatever you get; like you can't just have your damn cake and eat it too, it has to be smashed in your face right when you touch it. And that just tends to make you more fucked over and confused than in the first place. It's like you finally have this little comfort in knowing someone else knows but then that's all blown out of proportion and suddenly you're back where you started except a tiny bit better. Or worse.
Idon'tknowwhattodoIdon'tknowwhattodoIdon'tknowwhattodoIdon'tknowwhattodo
If you have an inkling of a thought then please tell me.
Labels: i dont feel i can breathe
10:23 PM
