Saturday, August 2, 2008
not knowing change
I've been getting this giddy feeling lately where I feel strangely... light and airy in a familiar sort of way, like I've been at this whimsical point an extremely long, almost dream-like, time before and have been waiting so long for its reoccurence. For the past few weeks I've begun to realise that I really am happy right now. Everything may not be perfect, I may still be drowning in school and worrying about countless problems but it seems like my conscience is telling me that life isn't going to get much better than this; Breaking Dawn is out in two days, camp is finally upon us this Wednesday, my orthodontist appointment, the 40H Famine and my birthday are next week, not to mention exams and vaccinations momentarily disappear too. I had a feeling Term 3 (in particular August) would be a great time for me but not this great. And more than half of the things haven't even occured yet.
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The only time I remember being this happy is during summer. Or more specifically a summer when I was seven or so. All I can remember is lying on the cool floorboards of my previous house on that hot day and looking out the open door. Funny how the simplest of memories stay with you forever. But I'm sure I was happy. I might have always been back then, who knows, but I know I felt how I do now; as if time has slightly slowed and all my problems can be just that bit more easily ignored. Except I didn't have problems then. I was, not to say stupid in the least, but inexperienced. And doesn't everyone just wish they could stay like that? I'm turning fifteen soon and I can't wait, but as time inches closer and closer second thoughts are taking over. Fifteen is such a big gap from being fourteen, where you still retain being that kid you once were and get away with all those crazy things. There's no turning back once you're fifteen; like a sudden hit of realisation that you'll never be a kid again.
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Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing anything at all. Every single day, every single moment that changes, we change. After everything I've considered for my birthday present, after the long list I've compiled, I limited it to four, unextravagant things I really want that my friends could get me (The Tokyo Look Book & Metro Station album) and that my family could (Lacoste flats & Nintendo DS). I figure I'm better off not knowing. Surprises are good (mostly) and knowing takes away that nauseous yet exciting, flying yet falling feeling. I wonder what kind of surprises camp will bring. I know I'll be back with some memories I'll never forget. Maybe small, insignificant ones.
Labels: thoughtful much?
10:48 PM
