Thursday, October 23, 2008
caring is creepy
Nothing good ever comes out of a situation that you yourself know is doomed from the start. Even so, why do we still choose to put ourselves through all that pain and anxiety? Why is it that every time I start to regain some little speck of composure or decent reason something in my head just overrides it and turns said reason into the boorish mush it was in the first place? I am a no-shit-taker. I don't take shit from myself nor will I ever become subservient to anyone else's shit. I live for myself. I weigh everything up and out; analyse every microscopic piece of detail. I know when something is pointless. I know that heartbreak and heartache is inevitable. I know. I fucking know. And yet there's this pore-sized, mite-like, diminutive speck of hope and wanting and God knows what else, that I really, truly want to kill off with a little strategy called the good old mind over matter. The thing is, I can only convince myself for the most part. The rest of the time (like now for instance) I don't know if I can take everything in my head anymore. I am worried and confused and stuck and miserable yet happy and hopeful and determined. I am a person that's stuck in a sinking chest crashing further and faster into the depths of the ocean every minute and I'm trying so hard to find the key to unlock the damn thing yet it feels so easy to just give up and enjoy the ride and what's left of my self-condemned time. It's like I've been breathing in empty air all this time and now there's a bittersweet alternative where there's actually real air but with spikes or something. I am trying so hard to leave everything as it is. To be patient and considerate and optimistic. But it feels like I can't keep it up any longer. I never claimed to be some big time, heroic martyr. But I am trying to be. I really am the little, forgotten coward; the villain's tag-along. The guy every one laughs at and who has no one in the end. I have been trying so hard; I really have. But these days seem like weeks and last term seems like a year ago. Right now I am sick of waiting. Sick of thinking and wishing and denying. Mostly denying. I am in denial. Excessive, compulsive, deep denial that seems to convince everyone but me. Yesterday was so different from today. Yesterday was so much easier than today. Yesterday was more about every one else; more about giving up and turning away and keeping everything under control. Today was for me. Today was so that I could make my own decision and either move on or hold up. To see if I could take all this prolonging and procrastinating any longer.
I'm scared to say that I think I know what I want now.
Labels: i dont feel i can breathe, thoughtful much?
10:48 PM
